The case for the elderly mother

15st 7lb, zero units. Well done, Dave. Another baby, eh? Bang goes the carefully cultivated “green” vote. Hadn’t you spotted that the best way to cut carbon emissions is not to stick a pathetic little windmill on top of your house, but to reduce rather than increase the number of people doing the emitting? You’ve already had three shots at fatherhood and that really should be enough for anyone. In fact, I’m doing my personal best to construct a cast-iron case for sticking at Just The One.

On the other hand, I could have done without all the guff in yesterday’s press about the “risks” that Mrs Cameron is running as an “elderly mother” of, er, 38. My own elderly mother had me when she was not far short of her 45th birthday and, while I don’t think it did her a power of physical good, she always claimed that having a young child in middle age was a rejuvenating experience. Meanwhile my “elderly” wife managed to produce a healthy child last year when she was … well, it would be indelicate to reveal her age to the world on the internet, obviously, but it was the same number as the Newcastle trolleybus that used to run from Denton Road Terminus to Benton Road, Swarland Ave via Jesmond Road rather than Shields Road, and it was not too far short of 39.

Just think how the odds were stacked against our son. The last of my dodgy old sperm limping towards her Fallopian tubes, hunched over its zimmer frame and wheezing horribly, and by some total miracle making successful contact with one of her dodgy old eggs. You’d expect the product to make Terry Fuckwitt out of Viz look like Brad Pitt. But instead you end up with someone who looks like this:

Terry Fuckwitt he ain't

I freely admit that I’m a wee bit biased, but I can’t see too much wrong with him so far.