Sunday 13 January 2008

Is it in yet?

14st 13lb (cue sounds of When Harry Met Sally-type orgasm); zero alcohol; 1,482; Lundy.

I woke up with a start. I’m not complaining. Even a couple of years ago I’d have aspired to wake up with an erection, and a couple of decades ago I’d have hoped to wake up alongside someone who could help me out with it. Now just waking up at all inspires profound gratitude.

I was having that nightmare again: the one where I’m in bed with the really pretty Asian actress out of Party Animals and now Mistresses, and she stops her close inspection of the ceiling to yawn and ask “Is it in yet?”

It’s not the best possible start to the day, but then it doesn’t need to be. Because when I stagger downstairs and climb onto the bathroom scales, I weigh less than 15 stone for the first time since 1997. Oh yes, as John Major might be not inconsiderably inclined to say.

I’m almost tempted to change the heading to this blog … but maybe not just yet. I have a heavy week of what one of my former colleagues liked to call “knife and fork work” coming up.

Still, it clearly demonstrates that the prospect of public humiliation in the media is a far more effective motivator than the faint bat squeak of sexual aspiration. Given that it clearly works so well for me, I wonder why it isn’t doing more for the performance of Newcastle United?

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