Maundy maunderings

14st 2lb; zero alcohol; 1,415; Rothbury Rural District.

A correspondent has challenged my theory that the Wooler Common car park is the dogging capital of north Northumberland, on the grounds that the good folk of the Wooler area are far too busy lambing to be bothered with all that malarkey. I am dubious about this, since the old Northumbrian formula, as I understood it, was always “Tup on Guy Fawkes Night, lamb on April Fool’s Day”. In support of my belief, there are no lambs at all in the fields around my house (and, in anticipation of your pedantic objection, there are quite a lot of ewes).

Another correspondent claims that the sign about dog fouling in the same car park is entirely genuine, as this is apparently an issue which much exercises the Northumberland National Park authorities. All I can say to that is that I hope they never re-introduce bears to Kielder Forest, as the resulting signage will make it look like the very worst kind of seaside boarding house.

There’s not a lot else to report, to be honest. I’d intended to make this a day of extreme hill-walking, to assist my final push for 14st 0lb on Easter Day, but the weather proved a powerful deterrent. The dog and I managed only a gentle stroll around some local lanes, where I probably suffered a net calorie gain thanks to the sweet old lady who habitually pops out of her cottage halfway round and presents me with a Werther’s Original toffee. (She also gives the dog two small biscuits, in case you are concerned about him.) In the absence of vigorous exercise, I had to fall back on extreme dieting, which resulted in a distinct falling off in my creativity and vigour. I wonder if anyone apart from me can tell the difference?